爱@北京

每个人都有自己发泄解闷的方式，喝酒，找人倾诉，血拼，这些都不是我的方式。我只喜欢一个人独处一会，或是散散步。很多情况下，只有我一个人的时候才觉得最安全，最舒服。在人前我会觉得很累，疲于照顾每个人的感受，唯独忽略自己。所以只有在一个人的时候，我才最放松。

昨晚临睡觉前才发现老人家给回1000大元，而不是1560。560的差额。很郁闷阿，自始至终我这样做究竟为了什么，为了谁。为什么要我欺下瞒上，左哄右哄之后还要我受这样的委屈。这不是钱多少的问题，是人与人之间的相处，为什么总是要这样呢。

一直以来我觉得身边人对我的照顾不够，连自己找的老公也不例外。或许是我性格问题。真的，有时候我也很讨厌自己这样的性格。不顺心的时候，经常觉得自己是一个悲剧。一生下来就有病本来没什么，问题就出现在因此反而受到家人的摒弃而非更加疼爱，对我的感受和想法熟视无睹。在成长的道路上发生了很多事影响了我的生活，很有雪上加霜的味道。

但我也经常想，人家有人家的自由和做事方式，凭什么要求人家一定对你特别照顾，凭什么要人家一定对你疼爱有加。同时，我也无法控制对他们有这样的需求。这些感受和阴影在我懂得控制和理解之前就已经产生，现在无法改变，正如无法改变我一生下来就有病的这个事实。

这个世界上只有两种人，一种是受人欺负的人，另一种是去欺负其他人的人。这里说的欺负并不一定是指去作奸犯科干坏事，而是罔顾别人感受，把自己的意愿强加于人。而我，毫无疑问，就是受人欺负的人，而且只会自己生闷气的人。讨厌这样，讨厌这样的自己。

连续一个月雨一直下一直下，很让人心烦。好像每年的春季和初夏我的心情都不好，都很抑郁，可能是气候的原因吧。

这阵子身体略有不适，可能也是气候的原因吧。家里的气氛还不错，老人家对自己的身体是越来越紧张，以往很怕上医院，尤其怕抽血，现在可好，每半个月自己主动要求跑医院找医生复诊。另外一个现在也担当起起照顾的角色，陪上医院，抓药，熬药，做饭，忙活的晕头转向。这比起当年我要伸开手板要钱给老人家看病的时候好很多，也是值得欣慰的。

有时候想想，当初如果不找三院那个医生看，会不会病情发展得缓慢些，或者能早一步认识中医院的大夫，情况会不会好些。但事情已然至此，后悔和自责也是无用。只能怪现在的医学为什么还没有解决这个难题，为什么就没有一个万全的治疗方案，为什么就算是三甲医院里也还有这么多只看银子的游医。恨啊，恨自己花了这么多心思和努力也没能把病情控制得好一点，让自己好过一点。

生活就是这样了，很多磕磕碰碰，但日子还是过下去。

周日，老公不在家，是我接的电话。可能是说的高兴了，无意中和他爸爸开了个玩笑，因此而惹他老人家生气，这会儿还在气头上，想打电话过去道歉他老人家不接。

很难过。因为我从来做人都是不带任何装饰和心机。这次的教训肯定会让我改变的。我一直都认为自己不会与人相处，不够圆滑。

不会怪任何人啊，谁都没有错，只是口味对不对而已。有些事在你看来是原则问题很上心，但或许在别人眼里就不值得一提。从来没试过碰着要像这次一样的要用心的道歉。人人都说道歉要诚恳。何所谓诚恳，我不知道。我只能尽力，把自己想的说出来。效果如何我真的不知道。

也有点失望了，可能是之前太乐观了。总以为我和公公的相处会容易些；总以为他们很喜欢我，和他们相处我可以放轻松些。太大意了，也没有后悔药可吃。

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish 这是一篇苹果电脑的CEO斯蒂夫·乔布斯在2005年6月12日斯坦福大学毕业典礼上的演讲，读后令人不禁动容。

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish - Steve Jobs

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed Collge after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decidded at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: 'We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?' They said: 'Of course.' My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in frineds' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5 cent deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna Temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be pricesless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typgraphy great. It was beauitful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any pratical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you cannot connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a ＄2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Steve Jobs
CEO – Apple Computer & Pixar

下面是中文翻译:

（斯坦福）是世界上最好的大学之一，今天能参加各位的毕业典礼，我备感荣幸。（尖叫声）我从来没有从大学毕业，说句实话，此时算是我离大学毕业最近的一刻。（笑声）今天，我想告诉你们我生命中的三个故事，并非什么了不得的大事件，只是三个小故事而已。

第一个故事，是关于串起生命中的点点滴滴。（原文为“connecting the dots”指一种小游戏：把标有序列号的点连起来，就构成一幅图画——译注）

我在里德大学呆了6个月就退学了，但之后仍作为旁听生混了18个月后才最终离开。我为什么要退学呢？

故事要从我出生之前开始说起。我的生母是一名年轻的未婚妈妈，当时她还是一所大学的在读研究生，于是决定把我送给其他人收养。她坚持我应该被一对念过大学的夫妇收养，所以在我出生的时候，她已经为我被一个律师和他的太太收养做好了所有的准备。但在最后一刻，这对夫妇改了主意，决定收养一个女孩。侯选名单上的另外一对夫妇，也就是我的养父母，在一天午夜接到了一通电话：“有一个不请自来的男婴，你们想收养吗？”他们回答：“当然想。”事后，我的生母才发现我的养母根本就没有从大学毕业，而我的养父甚至连高中都没有毕业，所以她拒绝签署最后的收养文件，直到几个月后，我的养父母保证会把我送到大学，她的态度才有所转变。

17年之后，我真上了大学。但因为年幼无知，我选择了一所和斯坦福一样昂贵的大学，（笑声）我的父母都是工人阶级，他们倾其所有资助我的学业。在6个月之后，我发现自己完全不知道这样念下去究竟有什么用。当时，我的人生漫无目标，也不知道大学对我能起到什么帮助，为了念书，还花光了父母毕生的积蓄，所以我决定退学。我相信车到山前必有路。当时作这个决定的时候非常害怕，但现在回头去看，这是我这一生所作出的最正确的决定之一。（笑声）从我退学那一刻起，我就再也不用去上那些我毫无兴趣的必修课了，我开始旁听那些看来比较有意思的科目。

这件事情做起来一点都不浪漫。因为没有自己的宿舍，我只能睡在朋友房间的地板上；可乐瓶的押金是5分钱，我把瓶子还回去好用押金买吃的；在每个周日的晚上，我都会步行7英里穿越市区，到Hare Krishna教堂吃一顿大餐，我喜欢那儿的食物。我跟随好奇心和直觉所做的事情，事后证明大多数都是极其珍贵的经验。

我举一个例子：那个时候，里德大学提供了全美国最好的书法教育。整个校园的每一张海报，每一个抽屉上的标签，都是漂亮的手写体。由于已经退学，不用再去上那些常规的课程，于是我选择了一个书法班，想学学怎么写出一手漂亮字。在这个班上，我学习了各种衬线和无衬线字体，如何改变不同字体组合之间的字间距，以及如何做出漂亮的版式。那是一种科学永远无法捕捉的充满美感、历史感和艺术感的微妙，我发现这太有意思了。

当时，我压根儿没想到这些知识会在我的生命中有什么实际运用价值；但是10年之后，当我们的设计第一款Macintosh电脑的候，这些东西全派上了用场。我把它们全部设计进了 Mac，这是第一台可以排出好看版式的电脑。如果当时我大学里没有旁听这门课程的话，Mac就不会提供各种字体和等间距字体。自从视窗系统抄袭了Mac以后，（鼓掌大笑）所有的个人电脑都有了这些东西。如果我没有退学，我就不会去书法班旁听，而今天的个人电脑大概也就不会有出色的版式功能。当然我在念大学的那会儿，不可能有先见之明，把那些生命中的点点滴滴都串起来；但10年之后再回头看，生命的轨迹变得非常清楚。

再强调一次，你不可能充满预见地将生命的点滴串联起来；只有在你回头看的时候，你才会发现这些点点滴滴之间的联系。所以，你要坚信，你现在所经历的将在你未来的生命中串联起来。你不得不相信某些东西，你的直觉，命运，生活，因缘际会……正是这种信仰让我不会失去希望，它让我的人生变得与众不同。

我的第二个故事是关于爱与失去。

我是幸运的，在年轻的时候就知道了自己爱做什么。在我20岁的时候，就和沃兹在我父母的车库里开创了苹果电脑公司。我们勤奋工作，只用了10年的时间，苹果电脑就从车库里的两个小伙子扩展成拥有4000名员工，价值达到20亿美元的企业。而在此之前的一年，我们刚推出了我们最好的产品Macintosh电脑，当时我刚过而立之年。然后，我就被炒了鱿鱼。一个人怎么可以被他所创立的公司解雇呢？（笑声）这么说吧，随着苹果的成长，我们请了一个原本以为很能干的家伙和我一起管理这家公司，在头一年左右，他干得还不错，但后来，我们对公司未来的前景出现了分歧，于是我们之间出现了矛盾。由于公司的董事会站在他那一边，所以在我30岁的时候，就被踢出了局。我失去了一直贯穿在我整个成年生活的重心，打击是毁灭性的。

在头几个月，我真不知道要做些什么。我觉得我让企业界的前辈们失望了，我失去了传到我手上的指挥棒。我遇到了戴维·帕卡德（普惠的创办人之一——译注）和鲍勃·诺伊斯（英特尔的创办人之一——译注），我向他们道歉，因为我把事情搞砸了。我成了人人皆知的失败者，我甚至想过逃离硅谷。但曙光渐渐出现，我还是喜欢我做过的事情。在苹果电脑发生的一切丝毫没有改变我，一个比特（bit）都没有。虽然被抛弃了，但我的热忱不改。我决定重新开始。

我当时没有看出来，但事实证明，我被苹果开掉是我这一生所经历过的最棒的事情。成功的沉重被凤凰涅槃的轻盈所代替，每件事情都不再那么确定，我以自由之躯进入了我整个生命当中最有创意的时期。

在接下来的5年里，我开创了一家叫做NeXT的公司，接着是一家名叫Pixar的公司，并且接识了后来成为我妻子的曼妙女郎。Pixar制作了世界上第一部全电脑动画电影《玩具总动员》，现在这家公司是世界上最成功的动画制作公司之一。（掌声）后来经历一系列的事件，苹果买下了NeXT，于是我又回到了苹果，我们在NeXT研发出的技术在推动苹果复兴的核心动力。我和劳伦斯也拥有了美满的家庭。

我非常肯定，如果没有被苹果炒掉，这一切都不可能在我身上发生。对于病人来说，良药总是苦口。生活有时候就像一块板砖拍向你的脑袋，但不要丧失信心。热爱我所从事的工作，是一直支持我不断前进的惟一理由。你得找出你的最爱，对工作如此，对爱人亦是如此。工作将占据你生命中相当大的一部分，从事你认为具有非凡意义的工作，方能给你带来真正的满足感。而从事一份伟大工作的惟一方法，就是去热爱这份工作。如果你到现在还没有找到这样一份工作，那么就继续找。不要安于现状，当万事了于心的时候，你就会知道何时能找到。如同任何伟大的浪漫关系一样，伟大的工作只会在岁月的酝酿中越陈越香。所以，在你终有所获之前，不要停下你寻觅的脚步。不要停下。

我的第三个故事是关于死亡。

在17 岁的时候，我读过一句格言，好像是：“如果你把每一天都当成你生命里的最后一天，你将在某一天发现原来一切皆在掌握之中。”（笑声）这句话从我读到之日起，就对我产生了深远的影响。在过去的33年里，我每天早晨都对着镜子问自己：“如果今天是我生命中的末日，我还愿意做我今天本来应该做的事情吗？”当一连好多天答案都否定的时候，我就知道做出改变的时候到了。

提醒自己行将入土是我在面临人生中的重大抉择时，最为重要的工具。

因为所有的事情——外界的期望、所有的尊荣、对尴尬和失败的惧怕——在面对死亡的时候，都将烟消云散，只留下真正重要的东西。在我所知道的各种方法中，提醒自己即将死去是避免掉入畏惧失去这个陷阱的最好办法。人赤条条地来，赤条条地走，没有理由不听从你内心的呼唤。

大约一年前，我被诊断出癌症。在早晨7：30我做了一个检查，扫描结果清楚地显示我的胰脏出现了一个肿瘤。我当时甚至不知道胰脏究竟是什么。医生告诉我，几乎可以确定这是一种不治之症，顶多还能活3至6个月。大夫建议我回家，把诸事安排妥当，这是医生对临终病人的标准用语。这意味着你得把你今后10年要对你的子女说的话用几个月的时间说完；这意味着你得把一切都安排妥当，尽可能减少你的家人在你身后的负担；这意味着向众人告别的时间到了。

我整天都想着诊断结果。那天晚上做了一个切片检查，医生把一个内诊镜从我的喉管伸进去，穿过我的胃进入肠道，将探针伸进胰脏，从肿瘤上取出了几个细胞。我打了镇静剂，但我的太太当时在场，她后来告诉我说，当大夫们从显微镜下观察了细胞组织之后，都哭了起来，因为那是一非常罕见的，可以通过手术治疗的胰脏癌。我接受了手术，现在已经康复了。

这是我最接近死亡的一次，我希望在随后的几十年里，都不要有比这一次更接近死亡的经历。在经历了这次与死神擦肩而过的经验之后，死亡对我来说只是一项有效的判断工具，并且只是一个纯粹的理性概念时相比，我能够更肯定地告诉你们以下事实：没人想死；即使想去天堂的人，也是希望能活着进去。（笑声）死亡是我们每个人的人生终点站，没人能够成为例外。生命就是如此，因为死亡很可能是生命最好的造物，它是生命更迭的媒介，送走耋耄老者，给新生代让路。现在你们还是新生代，但不久的将来你们也将逐渐老去，被送出人生的舞台。很抱歉说得这么富有戏剧性，但生命就是如此。

你们的时间有限，所以不要把时间浪费在别人的生活里。不要被条条框框束缚，否则你就生活在他人思考的结果里。不要让他人的观点所发出的噪音淹没你内心的声音。最为重要的是，要有遵从你的内心和直觉的勇气，它们可能已知道你其实想成为一个什么样的人。其他事物都是次要的。

在我年轻的时候，有一本非常棒的杂志叫《全球目录》（The Whole Earth Catalog），它被我们那一代人奉为圭臬。这本杂志的创办人是一个叫斯图尔特·布兰德的家伙，他住在Menlo Park，距离这儿不远。他把这本杂志办得充满诗意。那是在60年代末期，个人电脑、桌面发排系统还没有出现，所以出版工具只有打字机、剪刀和宝丽来相机。这本杂志有点像印在纸上的Google，但那是在Google出现的35年前；它充满了理想色彩，内容都是些非常好用的工具和了不起的见解。

斯图尔特和他的团队做了几期《全球目录》，快无疾而终的时候，他们出版了最后一期。那是在70年代中期，我当时处在你们现在的年龄。在最后一期的封底有一张清晨乡间公路的照片，如果你喜欢搭车冒险旅行的话，经常会碰到的那种小路。在照片下面有一排字：物有所不足，智有所不明（Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.）这是他们停刊的告别留言。物有所不足，智有所不明。我总是以此自诩。现在，在你们毕业开始新生活的时候，我把这句话送给你们。

前路究竟该怎么走。。。

很久没有想过这个问题了。这阵子比较闲，爸爸的病似乎稳定下来，可以做的也都做了；我工作有惊

无险，发展谈不上，但短期内也不会有大变动；感情上的事也基本上理清了，该怎么办还怎么办，日

子总要过下去的，似乎这几年一直在占据我生活的琐事在此刻都尘归尘，土归土，我也有时间想一下

将来的路，尤其是职业发展方面。

曾经想过未来的方向是在家soho，兼顾家庭和事业，这是比较理想的选择。但现在这样的念头并不是很强烈。因为走过这一路发现计划是重要，但事情最后怎样并不能都按计划走的，一切顺其自然。而且眼前似乎有几条路可以选择，做翻译，继续做编辑，在家带孩子，研究古玩，这些都是可能。现在要我决定究竟是哪一条路很难。

但这个问题总归要解决的，或者说总会有个答案的。我不想日子就这么浑浑噩噩的过去。

今天状态不是很好，战战兢兢的，心里总没个底儿似的。

按说刚度假回来状态应该很好，很快投入到忙碌的工作中才对。事实恰恰相反，第一，没有忙碌的工作，这阵子一直很闲，经常让我无所事事。第二，我的心像是散了就收不回来了，还上网看别人的游记和博客，丝毫没有想工作的意思。

是我的态度有问题吗？

好不容易想到今天要帮老公还信用卡的钱，于是问老公到底要还多少，才发现没把信用卡带在身。但估摸了半天又想起在手机上有那信用卡的帐号，捉摸着凭帐号就能存钱把，于是想拿借记卡取钱。很复杂是吧，但一摸包才发现居然钱包里没有那张借记卡。一阵恐惧袭上心头。难道借记卡不见啦？那可是我的工资帐号啊！问题可大可小阿。任凭我怎么想，愣是记不起来最后用完把卡放在哪里了。寒阿，这可是我的血汗钱阿。

四月以来诸事不顺，从自己到家里，再到工作，很多事情不顺。一波未平一波又起，心情也随着天气一样抑郁起来。

我做事很急，不喜欢拖着，也喜欢为很多不可能寻找各种可能，凭着一股子转牛角尖的劲头，事情往往会让我摆平。我不喜欢等待，静候事情的结果，我倾向于亲力亲为，坐言起行，所以做事给人以雷厉风行、我行我素、独来独往的感觉。

今天一上班就觉得头很痛，很胀，这是由于这几天用脑过度引起的。但我不能停，也停不下来，因为事情还没有搞定。

曾经有好友劝说我信上帝，把自己都交给他，他让主宰自己的命运。但我做不到，因为我觉得信不过，不相信上帝能给我带来什么好运，我宁愿靠自己，愿赌服输。

本来正在干活的，本来正在和朋友聊天，突然一阵无名的抑郁袭上心头，挥之不去。很想哭，很孤独。

近大半年以来经常觉得腰痛，平时感觉不强烈，但最近有一次突然感觉很明显。最近查出有胆囊炎，而且照B超的时候大夫特意就我痛的部位问了一下有没有不舒服，我很自卫地答没有。是这个原因么，还有别的我一直不愿面对的原因。

我不想做强人，坚强的强，不想像现在这样背负这么多东西却无人能倾诉。但现实却逼着我成为了这样的人。可能也是我自己太执着了，有些事，本来轮不到自己来扛的，但过不了自己那关，还是把最大的骨头啃了。或许顺其自然会好些。

是我付出太多了所以过于在乎获得吗。有段时间习惯了降低自己的要求，把自己变得无欲无求，以为这样就不会难受了。从小父母对我的期望值很高，身边的人也觉得我是个可塑之材，就连自己，也曾经对自己抱有很大的希望。但现在，我只是一个普通人，工作生活极为普通，为两个家庭奔波着，每天都被柴米油盐充斥着。

有时候在想，这不是我要的生活。但我却分明地知道我要的生活不会来。或许就现在而言就已经不错了。

实际上，我和世间大多数女人一样的软弱，却要装扮成比汉子还要坚强。这样做对身边的人是有益的，而留给自己的只有痛哭。

很多人会说，这就是生活。是阿，这何尝不就是鲜活的人生。唯一安慰自己的，就是人人都说老天爷，对有些人而言是上帝，说他们都是公平的，他们会看到你的努力的。在关闭一扇门的同时会给你开启另外一扇。